Just when you thought, life slipped away through your fingers.......it comes calling. The minute you tell yourself that smiling is an impossible dream....it tickles your lips and makes you smile.
Smile is what you do when you are faced with the biggest fears of your life and it gives you that quiet strength to go ahead and deal with it.
Smile is that approving gesture that you give to your loved ones, when they are not sure.
Smile is what your little heart does when it wants you to know that you are still special and life isn't over yet.
When you are happy you smile but when you are sad, upset, dejected and feeling low, can you smile? Of course you can!
A smile is that small involuntary thing that means you are still alive and that's why, you need to smile in the face of all odds! Smile without a reason...smile for all the beautiful moments you have had in your life and better still....for the several ones that are yet to happen!
Today a month back once you came back from your horse riding lessons, you insisted you wanted to eat pancakes with blackberries. Never having had blackberries before, this unusual request was entertained by Daddy!! An otherwise usual Saturday morning turned into our worst nightmare! A bite of the pancake caused a severe allergic reaction and anaphylactic shock that took away your pulse and breathing. With no oxygen to the brain for over an hour, despite timely medical attention and best treatment, your brain died.
I can not forget the fateful morning when in Daddy's shaken phone call he said, "Please come home and save Nainika. She's not responding - ambulance is here." My whole world came crashing down and I came home to walk into a scene of shock not knowing what had happened. Daddy was crouching on the flood howling and there were a crowd of paramedics with medical equipment around you, trying to resuscitate you.
I followed instructions of the paramedics - "pack some change of clothes, we are going to the hospital"
I followed instructions of the paramedics - "pack some change of clothes, we are going to the hospital"
I gave daddy some water to drink asking him to sit up and quickly packed some of your clothes and supplies. Your clothes still remain in my bag - I haven't had the courage to take them out sweetheart!!
At the hospital a crowd of staff took you straight in - I still wasn't clear what happened. I could only just see Daddy howling and broken, crying in my arms. The doctor asked me to come inside to where they took you and stand to watch. It was hard seeing you being hurt by pricking needles, inserting tubes, you bled and I stood there helpless.... I involuntarily extended by hand to touch your foot and suddenly your pulse returned. Your feet were ice cold....
When your pulse returned I thought you are back. The sounds of the equipment suddenly transported me back to when you were in my tummy. Every time I had an ultrasound all I wanted to do was hear your heartbeat. I never saw your image in the ultrasound - just hearing your heartbeat made me happy.
With your pulse returning I was sure you are my daughter - a fighter. I was confident you'd overcome this challenge as you always did. They did a CT scan and we waited a while to know the result. We were told you will be moved to an ICU bed in the country - a bed was being searched and it could be anywhere in the UK. I kept making a mental note of the instructions and things I had to do still wondering what exactly happened to my princess?
Your family - Sonal Sher Masi, Anupama Handoo Aunty, Pankaj uncle, Shafalica Bhan Kotwal Aunty, Chandan Kotwal uncle, Urmi Raina Aunty, Sanjay uncle, Sunny Kaul Bhaiya and Sapna Aunty were all with you by this time. We all waited anxiously.
The scan results indicated an irreversible damage to the brain. I saw it in the consultant's eyes and in Sunny bhaiya's eyes - it was all over. But i refused to accept it. I wanted to take you to the ICU straightaway - miracles do happen and I was not going to give up on you this easily. You had to fight back - you were Lakshmi's daughter.
St Mary's Paddington was where you were given a bed in the ICU. Within half hour of you arriving there the consultant sat Daddy and I down to tell us nothing could be done to save you anymore and that there was no hope.
I felt anger, extreme anger surge through me and I calmly said to the doctor - "thank you but we will review the case after 24 hours have passed. We are not in a rush. I am a mother, I gave her life and will fight to my last breath to do just that - give her life. Atleast give her a fighting chance at life?"
The consultant agreed and said we will have to have this conversation again - I have seen the scan and it's not looking good.
The consultant agreed and said we will have to have this conversation again - I have seen the scan and it's not looking good.
We prayed, millions of people prayed and tried hard to bring you back. Hundreds gathered at the hospital that night and the following nights to bring you back - chanting, reiki, prayers, blessings, holy water - everything was tried. Healers connected to your body and soul and tried to encourage you to fight back. Everyone said, her mum can help her come back - only she can help her.
On Monday morning a new consultant came and he said we needed to do the stem cell death test. An excruciating test to ascertain if there was any reflex in the body - if there was any sign of life. Your Daddy couldn't sit through this test sweetheart - he was struggling himself. I sat through the test, with your little hands in mine after each tear you failed I kissed you and said, it's ok, we'll try in the next one. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5.... and no sign of life at all. You lay there smiling....peaceful in your expressions. Then I connected to you in a moment - I felt you speaking to me.
You said you are tired and want to leave but need mine and Daddy's permission. You said a better world, a longer journey awaits you and you need my help. In that moment sweetheart I let you go. I sent you off with all my love and blessings to set you off on that journey into the unknown. You wanted my help to convince Daddy to give you permission.
I went out and broke down. Told Daddy that he needs to let you go. I still didn't know what had happened that took you away from us. The doctors declared you Dead on Monday, 22nd May 2017. Daddy and I were helped by our dear elder brother and friend, Madhava Turumella ji to send you off. Daddy gave you permission. I knew that you somersaulted with joy as you were free....from this crippled, ailing body. Your soul was free to light up the universe.
For 3 days after Monday you still bought time for us to say bye to your body. For thousands to come and visit you, love you and return with a smile.
Today I pay tribute to you, a month on from that fateful Saturday morning by smiling. I struggle but I smile. Your warm cuddles and kisses, your giggles and funny stories resonate in my mind, stay in m heart. The life ahead is dedicated to you my love and I promise to live life to the fullest....just as you did, in the face of adversity. Today for the first time I share the picture of you sleeping on your last day after the ventilator was switched off - your beautiful red dress gifted lovingly by your Masi Pooja Kaul Basu and make up by your pretty Aunty Anisha Safaya and Sindhu Koul Bingo Aunty. We were all there right by your side sending you off.
Our lives won't be the same ever, without you physically with us. We won't see you growing up but will feel you every moment of our being. We love you very very much princess - and miss you tonnes!!
